Akwesi got home to a truck driving away. He didn’t pay much attention to it, as he was looking forward to spending the evening with Clementine.
He walked into his house and for a minute, he wasn’t sure if he was in the right place. It looked like his place based on the furniture and decorations, but nothing was where it was before he left for work that morning.
The dining table was smack dap in the middle of the living room, his favorite seat was nowhere in sight, the TV was gone from its perch high up the wall and was now on a stand where the dining table used to be.
“Chessy! Are you home?” He walked into the kitchen and found his favorite seat chilling next to the deep freezer, and his Xbox One neatly set up and plugged in next to the stove. Even worse, there was an open pot of stew vigorously boiling, and the bits of stew that shot out next to the very white Xbox genuinely scared him.
“Clementine!”
He rushed to unplug the console just in time to save it from being hit by stew splatter. Unfortunately, his hand took the hit that was meant for the game, and the scald was blazing through his skin. He turned the stove off and moved his Xbox back to the hall, and then rushed back to the kitchen to put some salt on the scalded portion of his hand.
He dropped his bag in the hall and marched upstairs, quite certain that he’d find Clementine there.
What he walked into both floored and enraged him all at once.
His mobile closet was where his bed was supposed to be, and the tv in his bedroom was now literally hanging from the ceiling, face down. Even the bedroom curtains were now brown instead of white, and they looked more like drapes than actual curtains.
“What the hell!”
He picked up his phone and called Clementine, but there was no response. He called again, and again, and again, but was met with silence each time. Distraught, he muttered to himself, “I have to get this girl the hell out of here. What is this madness!”
He turned to walk out of the room and finally located the new home for his bed. Except, it didn’t look like the bed he’d been sleeping in before. The bedding was the same, but the frame and size looked different. He frantically pulled the bedding off and surely enough, the bed was brown, just like the curtains, and very much unlike the white bed he’d known all this time.
Just as he was about to scream, Clementine called out from downstairs. “Dinner’s ready!”
In his anger, he must’ve completely missed the front door opening, so he didn’t hear her come in. He did his best to compose himself and headed to the living room.
*****
Clementine had just placed a tray of yam and goat stew with some mango juice on the dining table when Akwasi got downstairs. “Hello darling! Sorry, I stepped out for a second to pick up some snacks at the store next door, but I saw you turned the stew off before it burned. Thank you so much. Such a dear.”
Clementine was committed to pretending everything was normal, which was pushing Akwesi to the very edge of restraint. He stared her dead in the face as she spoke and she noticed, but she could not care less as she continued with her big smile. “What are you waiting for? Come give me a hug, baby.”
Akwesi remained rooted to his spot, putting every last ounce of his energy into controlling himself.
“Clementine, would you be so kind as to explain why the HELL MY HOUSE IS UPSIDE DOWN?!”
Clementine barely even flinched at his outburst. “Upside down? I’m sorry, I’m not quite sure what you mean, my love. I’ve only been here a short while, but this house looks exactly as I remember it.”
“Clementine, you know damn well this is not how my house is arranged. Before you moved in, I could at least count on this place being consistently the same. What the hell did you do?”
“Me? I got home about thirty minutes ago and got started on dinner for you. Then I stepped out to get snacks, and here I am, trying to serve you your dinner. What have you been up to?”
Akwesi could feel the voice of reason in his head fading away along with his balance. “Clementine, I don’t know why the hell you did what you did, but you better undo it immediately. And I’m not lifting a finger to help you!”
Clementine walked up to him until she could feel his breath on her face. “I will, as soon as you undo your move to another office. Matter of fact, I’ll even forgive you for not telling me that you’d moved. You know what, as a sign of even better faith, I’ll go ahead and let go of the fact that you’ve been flirting with your female colleagues at work. How’s that sound? Balmy? Crispy? Fair?”
Akwesi was thoroughly perplexed at her words, and it showed all over his face. “What the motherfuckin hell are you talking about, woman?”
Clementine kept her eyes on his. “I’m talking about the fact that you moved offices and never bothered to tell me, and you’re sleeping with your female co-worker. And before you even try to lie about it, I saw the two of you today. You two were so absorbed in your flirting that she almost tripped on the tile and dropped her file, and you motherfuckin picked it up and teased her about it, like some goddamn boy toy! Since you decided to relocate and keep me uninformed, I figured I’d redecorate, you know, rearrange a few things and conveniently keep you out of the loop. You should thank your stars that I didn’t put your goddamned game console in the hot stew.”
Akwesi knew that if this went on one too many sentences long, he might do something he’d regret. So he backed up a bit. “Clementine, I don’t know what the hell you think you saw, but I have never and will never cheat on you. I’m going to go take a walk. This house better be back to what it was by the time I get back or else-“
“Or else what? Huh? You’re going to yell at me? Hit me? Throw me around, rough me up a bit so I could learn my lesson? Did you miss the memo when I told you that I want nothing less than all of you? That means that you must tell me every single thing, I don’t care how small, and you cannot give anything that’s mine to anyone else. Not my attention, not my affection, not even my goddamned smile. Get it through your head, Akwesi: What’s mine is yours, and what’s yours is mine. Over there in your office flirting with some girl who’s not even a quarter of me. The cheek of it!”
For the first time, Akwesi was simply too shocked to utter a word. He may not have fully grasped the depth of the promise he’d made to her, but he knew this wasn’t what he signed up for. As baffled as he was, he was still entirely too unstable to stay. He’d never hit a woman, but the temptation was real in that moment.
So he took his bag and left while Clementine sat at the dining table and feasted on the food she’d made for him.
*****
“The heck? Are you kidding me? This has to be a joke. She did what?”
“Bro, I was so mad eh, I would’ve killed that girl if I’d stayed one second longer. I swear, I don’t think I’m going back to her. Apparently, she came here yesterday as we were going for the Citrix presentation and saw when Suzie tripped and I was roasting her. Now she thinks I’m sleeping with Suzie.”
“Goddamn, boy. I would leave if I were you, chale. There’s some crazy that not even psychopaths are set up to deal with, and this looks like that kind. Walk out while you have the chance, man.”
“I’m just waiting to cool down some more. I will go back and throw her stuff out. I can’t come and be killing myself sekof woman.”
Franklin sat in Akwesi’s office, blown away by his retelling of last night’s events. He’d initially gone in to get some info, but Akwesi’s phone had been going off non-stop while he actively ignored it. Even now, it was still going off. “Bro, you should probably mute that before people start to think something’s wrong.”
Akwesi put the phone on silent as the bombardment of apologetic texts from Clementine continued. “This woman really figa sey I just go let that matter go? What kind of power does she think she has?”
“Chale, I tell you say she dey craze, you no hear me? How did you go six months without ever discovering this, though? Why kraa am I surprised? I don’t even know what the girl looks like and we’re supposed to be bros.”
“Bro, she was a model citizen la. We had disagreements, but they were resolved so quickly and peacefully. She seemed like a mature chic. This is all new behavior.”
“Bro, chale, there’s way more fish in the sea. Just drop this one and change your number. In fact, say yes to the new job and get the hell out of dodge. Actually, hold up, how did she know you’d moved offices if you didn’t tell her?”
“Bro, I’ve been asking myself the same question since last night. It’s not even like I sh33da didn’t tell her too. It just happened and it wasn’t some big deal biaa.”
“Look, bro, enough of the thinking. I came to get the files on the Chronic Solutions server issues, but now I need lunch.”
“I’m even hungry sef. I didn’t eat last night cos of the shenanigans.”
“Abeg, make we go chop.”
****
Akwesi ordered his usual all-inclusive waakye and malt, while Franklin decided to switch it up. “Please could you bring me some tuo zaafi and groundnut soup? Abeg plenty meat oo. Thank you.”
Akwesi waited for the attendant to leave before taking aim at Franklin. “Breda man, you know how nkate3 always turns you into the worst kind of hot air balloon. Abeg eh, have mercy on the patrons of this amazing establishment. Keep your natural trumpet closed until you get into your office. We would like to smell good aroma today.”
Franklin shot him the nastiest look. “I won’t even acknowledge any of that nonsense you just spewed. You need something to take your mind off psycho girl and I’m your target. Go ahead, do your worst. Ano go stop you.”
Akwesi started to feel bad, which he knew was Franklin’s goal. “Fuck you.”
Franklin took out his phone to respond to a text. “By the way, have you seen Suzie today? I passed by her office before I came to yours, but she wasn’t around.”
“Nah, man. I haven’t seen her.”
“AK, this your work marriage de3 failure oo. How have you not seen your work wife all day and you’re eating lunch in peace?”
“Why, you want marry am? I’m not her actual owner oo. Maybe she den her boy go some outing last night and she woke up late. Come to think of it, wasn’t she supposed to be on the trip to the Chronic Solutions Data Center today?”
Right as Akwesi said that, he clocked someone in the corner of the restaurant, hidden from view in a booth. He tried to move his head to see if he could make them out properly as Franklin shook his head in disagreement. “Nah, that’s next week. I was coming for those files before we came here, remember?”
Akwesi absentmindedly grunted in agreement. He couldn’t make the person out, so he turned his attention back to his friend. “Yeah, yeah. We should remember so I can send you the e-copies when we get back to the office.
About twenty minutes later, their food was served. Akwesi excused himself to go use the restroom before he ate, and he was washing his hands at one of the three sinks when he heard the door lock.
He stopped washing his hands and looked around, but there was no one there. He turned back to the sink and checked his phone, and then he looked up as one of the stall doors opened.
There stood Clementine, all five-feet-ten-inches of her in a red, floral lace lingerie set and white stilettos.
“Hi baby. You miss me?” she said as she stepped out of the stall and opened her arms wide.
Akwesi may have been pissed, but there was a small part of him that was aroused by the way her bust lifted when she opened her arms like that. The majority of him did not care though. “What, are you transgender now?”
Clementine stepped a little closer to him, just enough for his nose to pick up the Very Sexy Night Victoria’s Secret perfume she had on. He knew he barely had enough time before she got to him; that combo was his weakness. She knew she had him, so she started to press her advantage. “Look, babe, I’m really sorry about last night. I overreacted, and I should’ve known better.”
“Good. Now, maybe the next man you meet will get the better version of you. Have a nice life.” With that, Akwesi walked to the door and tried to open it, but it was locked from outside.
With each click of the heels getting closer to him, Akwesi started to feel the pressure. Clementine pulled her bra down a little bit, and stuck her thumbs into the sides of her panty as she got closer. “Babe, I know I messed up. I’ve put the house back in order for you. Even cleaned up and dusted it too. Okay, I had people do that for me but the point is, I miss you. That bed felt so cold without you, I couldn’t even sleep in it.”
“I don’t know how you got this door closed, but get it open the same way so I can get out. I’d rather not break it down and make a scene.”
Clementine now stood right behind him, and the perfume was starting to work its wonders in his head. “AK, really? Nothing? Come on, I said I’m sorry. Can’t you forgive a girl for going crazy cos she loves you so much?”
Akwesi walked away from her and towards the sink. “You call that love? Are you sick or something?”
Even as he said that, he saw her thumbs in the sides of the red, lace panties and the sway of her hips as she exaggerated them in her walk towards him. He was starting to crumble.
“Sweetheart, you know I get a little crazy when I overthink. That’s what had me all f’d up.” She was now in front of him and was trying to unfold his arms without success. “But now, I see the error of my ways. I don’t want to lose you. Please, come back home.”
She then put her hand down her panty, and then put the same hand right in Akwesi’s face. He tried to avoid it but she kept following his nose as he moved. He tried to walk away again, but then she stood in front of him.
“Get out of my way, Clementine.”
She didn’t budge.
“Get out of my way. I don’t want to have to hurt you.”
Clementine smiled mischievously at him. “You’re not going anywhere, AK.”
Then she moved out of his way. He walked towards the door and tried to force it open, but to no avail.
When he turned back, he saw Clementine emerge out of the same stall she was in before with a towel. She laid it on the floor and turned to face away from him, and then she played her trump card.
Akwesi may have been holding as steady as he could, but when he saw her go on her knees and arch her back so low, he knew it was the beginning of the end for him. She held her pose and said, “She’s missed your touch, babe. And she’s ripe for the taking.” Then she spread her legs and waited.
Akwesi turned around to protect himself, but the image of her was now playing on a loop in his head. It took less than a minute for him to turn back to see that her pant was actually crotchless. He was dead to rights now, and didn’t even realize it when he started towards her.
He picked up the pace and was about to take his trousers off when she turned to him and said, “Tongue only, AK. Let’s save the rest for tonight.”
Akwesi pulled her braids as he said, “You’re still not forgiven.”
Clementine gave him a wickedly lustful smile as she responded, “I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
Then her giggles turned into moans as Akwesi ate his second lunch.
Bruh! I dunno what to even say right now. Well, if there’s one thing we can all agree on at this point, it’s that Clementine is a bona fide psychopath! Good Lord, I feel for Akwesi…
