Boris was ironing for church when his bestie called.

“You can’t leave me alone for even one day, can you? Your boyfriend will get angry oo.”

Lara gave him the ‘whatever’ face and said, “He can burn the sea for all I care. After all, were you not here before he came?”

Boris poured some water into the iron as he looked at her and saw her trying her hardest to hide her frustration. “What’s wrong?”

“Nothing. I’m still sleepy.”

Boris checked to make sure he’d filled up the iron to his liking, then he turned his full attention to Lara. “You know we’ve been friends for about thirteen years, right? I know your tells. Something’s wrong.”

“Can a girl secretly mope in peace? Do you have to know me so damn well?” Lara knew she was going to tell him anyway, but she didn’t need him extracting it out of her in his ever so gentle way.

“I see Lara’s left the building, and Larissa’s replaced her. Would you kindly let Lara know that I’ll be here whenever she gets back?”

Lara almost chuckled at that. Larissa what what Boris liked to call her whenever she got cranky or had an attitude. “F*ck you.”

“In your dreams, bitch. Great, now you made me call you names on a Sunday before church. Father forgive me.”

Lara chuckled. “So you think God doesn’t mind if you call me a bitch any other day except the Sabbath?”

“Girl, get to talking. I’m not going down this rabbit hole with you.” Boris was smart enough to clock Lara trying to pick a fight to avoid telling him what was really on her mind, and she finally caved.

“Fine, I talked with Clarence before we left Lou Moon. I think he just enjoys f*cking me. He doesn’t even want to give me any concrete answers on the future. I don’t know, I need someone who knows what he wants with me. Someone who gets me, someone who really knows how to read me well and care for me.”

Boris picked up the phone and sat down. “Did he say he’s not interested in marriage or something?”

“No. He asked for time, but he wouldn’t say how long. Honestly I’m getting tired of the whole thing. Why is it that the men come and they seem serious, but there’s always something that keeps them from committing? I need ring! Frankly speaking, you’re the only man who’s been consistent in my whole life.”

“Well, it could be that he wants to, but he’s getting there, you know?”

“Why don’t we date, Boris? It doesn’t have to be anything serious. We could just start slow and see how it goes.”

“Yeah, and then we could proceed to braid each other’s hair and talk about our future plans to give birth to sextuplets. Crazy bitch.”

Lara got confused, but Boris had gone back to ironing while talking. “Ah, I’m serious, Boris. Let’s date. Go out with me.”

“Girl! Let’s move on from your madness before I actually start taking you serious. What do you want to do about Clarence, since you clearly think he’s not serious? Elvis has been tripping over himself falling for you; you might as well take advantage and bring me half the money.”

Lara rolled her eyes and kissed her teeth. “Nonsense boy like you. That your friend, does he even know how to talk to any girl, let alone me? It is bottos he has seen that has turned his head into Blue Band. While I am here looking for someone to take care of us, you are there talking nonsense. That boy, if I get angry and shake my bom-bom in front of him, he will cum without any touch. Don’t mention that mad man to me. I said I want you.”

Boris shook his head. “You deɛ make mistake and come and try Elvis, you go see somia for there. By the way, I’ll probably be visiting home sometime soon. If there’s something you want, text it to me. Now, I’m going to go and shower.”

Lara eagerly requested, “Take me with you! I want to see what you’re working with.”

Boris bristled at the suggestion. “Girl, get the hell off my line! Catch you later.”

******
Lara lay in bed, irritated.

It had been two months of continuing to try to talk Boris into dating her, but he’d done the right thing time after time: completely ignored her.

What the hell was wrong with this fool?

Clarence was already gone and had fallen into his very predictable habit of not reaching out; it had been five weeks of sporadic contact which barely lasted five minutes each time. She hated sleeping cold and alone, and she was getting desperate. Boris had made it clear that only a drastic action would make him think she was serious. She’d done everything short of strip naked and shove her tongue down his throat, but he wasn’t biting.

At this point, it was no longer even about extracting a confession of his feelings for her from him anymore; the bastard needed to be taught a lesson. What was the point of being a best friend if he wasn’t going to cater to her every whim as and when she wanted? Isn’t a best friend supposed to be at one’s beck and call?

He knew that she needed him to comfort her in the absence of her boyfriend, that she needed attention and love. Yet he continued to act friendly towards her when she needed him to evolve. Normally, she’d be glad, but now she was getting angry. What kind of man did he think he was, resisting her over and over again like that?

She was not going to stand for it. Best friend or not, no man was ever to deny her anything she wanted, especially after all that she’d given up for her boyfriends. He was going to pay for all their transgressions, and she knew just what to do.

Being his most trusted confidante meant that she kept his sim card, his local phone, and his house keys when he was out of the country for school. He was long overdue a welcome present, and it was time to give him the perfect one.

******

“Chale, I don’t know how we’ve been friends all these years and I’ve never had your food. I’ve heard all your yapping, but nah, this one deɛ I take give you. What!”

The fufu with light soup that Lara made as a welcome dinner for Boris was hitting the spot for him. It made it even sweeter that she’d added some oxtail to the mix and spiced it up like she’d guessed he’d want it.

Boris was superstitious enough never to eat anyone’s food. However, Lara had earned the benefit of his trust over time, and it felt quite natural to eat what she’d cooked, almost like he was eating his sister’s food.

“Abi I told you. Why do you think Clarence’s friends always lose their minds whenever I cook for them? Put some respek on my name, young man!”

“You can have the respek, girl. This is fire. Damn this is fire!” Boris continued to go in on the food like he’d just been released from captivity. He drank the fresh orange juice she’d made to go along with the food, and then went back to the well-spiced soup.

Lara smiled at the sight of her best friend thoroughly enjoying the work of her hands. “I have another surprise for you, but I have to shower. I feel sticky from all the cooking.”

“Cool. Do you need soap or something? A towel, maybe?”

“Nah, I brought my stuff cos I knew this might happen.”

“Cool, but hurry. I’m trying to see my other surprise.”

“No worries, babe.”

Boris winced at the word ‘babe,’ but continued to eat.

“I’ll be right back. Enjoy your food.” Lara turned and headed to the shower.

Right before she left the dining room, she pulled out a small vial with a clear liquid in it. It seemed to be half full.

She looked at it, then muttered to herself, “That’’ll be the last time you ever deny me, you son of a bitch.”

Wait a minute, what?? Lara’s taking things this far? What the absolute heck? This story’s taking quite a turn, isn’t it?