It’s been a couple of hours since I had that most unpleasant visit from the head of the prison guards. My back is still hurting badly from those extra painful lashes I received. I still can’t fathom what that whip was made of. Goodness!

I knew there was nothing good about the prison head coming over. I knew it!

I knew he was going to suggest something crazy for me to do, and he didn’t disappoint. Of all the things to do, he asked me to kill!

I mean, killing a person is bad enough. We all know that’s a solid part of God’s commandments. But he’s asking me to kill Lawrencia and Celestina! My daughters in the Lord!

How? How?

There’s no way I could ever do that! Never! I brought them to Christ, for goodness’ sake! I shouldn’t even begin to consider such an offer!

Honestly, I should have rejected it on the spot. Honestly! I should have just yelled no at him and damned the consequences.

How can I turn against the very ones God used me to bring into His sheepfold? How can I do that?

Listen, there’s a deeper aspect to these girls than just me winning them to Christ. I didn’t mention it earlier, but these girls were in a terrible place when I encountered them. Their parents had just passed away from some serious illness – I think it was dysentery or something. When I met them, they were an absolute wreck. Miserable, heartbroken, doubting the existence of God. The Holy Spirit knew what He was doing when He put me in their path; He needed me to lead them to Him in that low moment of theirs. They needed the Lord in that trying moment, and by His grace, I led them to Him.

I led them to life, why would I want to lead them to death? Huh, tell me?

Nah, seriously. It’s gonna be straightforward. No way am I taking up this offer. I’d rather rot in this cubicle of shame than do anything like that. It’s as simple as that. No two ways about it, there’s no deal on the table.

No deal. Point blank period!

Well, anyways, that’s about it. I’m just trying to adjust my body a bit… ughhhh, the bucket’s still there. For goodness’ sake, couldn’t they just take it out to empty? This thing stinks. God, it’s so difficult to breathe…

Ouch! The marks at my back still hurt, too. Ugh, those lashes were terrible. That guard whipped me like I’m some kind of thief.

Hmmm… this is just horrible. Too horrible. If only I could get some respite. Even for a moment…

Or wait.

Wait a second.

The prison head said if I do it, he’ll let me go, right?

Hmmm… now that I think about it… should I…

NO!

Ugh! Absolutely not! What the hell is wrong with you, Esdras? You wanna let the devil use you or something? Don’t be silly!

No way am I doing it. Even if it was a random person on the street, I’m not gonna do it. I’m not gonna murder anyone for my freedom. It isn’t worth it. Never will be…

But then again, really? Coz the conditions here are really torrid. I have been complaining about it for a while now, and I’d like nothing more than to be free. 

I should probably consider this proposal, to be honest. I’m not being asked to recant my faith, right?

Aaarrrghhh, no! What are you doing, gentleman? This is as good as recanting, for the love of God! This isn’t worth it. This is a deal with the devil, and such deals never end well. It’s best to stay the hell away from this…

… but then again, you never know. It’s possible I’ll be freed for real. And I need some freedom. Coz I’m sick and tired of being here…

… but no, it can’t be like this! Remember it’s not just about recanting being a sin. I’m being asked to commit a grievous sin. I’m being asked to kill two beautiful, precious human beings. That’s not right. My conscience will never let me rest…

… but then, our God is merciful, right? And He’s ready to forgive us for every sin, right? So I can just… do it, repent afterward, and move on, right?

… oh my goodness, Esdras, what are you thinking? What in God’s name are you actually thinking? You know that is not how it works at all. That’s a clear abuse of grace!

Ughhh, this is crazy…

Absolutely crazy…

***

Ugh, what a torturous couple of hours it’s been. So many thoughts flying around my brain. It’s been so intense in this brain, my mind barely processed anything else around me. Not the horrid stench of the bucket nearby. Not the stale atmosphere. Not the soul-stressing darkness I’ve had to put up with since I was put here.

Nah, none of that. My mind was squarely focused on this offer.

It’s been insane. A part of me knows this is just an evil offer, and that I shouldn’t even think of saying yes to this callous, wicked man. And another part of me keeps screaming at me about these awful conditions and telling me it’s not worth rejecting.

It’s been one of the most excruciating periods I’ve had to endure since coming here. I’ve fought with myself, argued with myself, debated with myself… it’s been tough. It really is.

But I know what to do now…

Wait, I can hear the footsteps now.

He’s coming.

The head prison guard. He’s returning.

Wait a minute.

How did I spend all the past 24 hours wrestling with this matter? How? It doesn’t feel like it…

“Esdras!”

I turn my face to the entrance of my cell. Indeed, the head of the prison guards and those two guards that accompanied him stand on the other side of the iron bars. The same old wicked smile is stuck to his face.

“Yes, 24 hours is up. So do you take the offer or not?”

I honestly doubt it is 24 hours; I bet he shortened it just for the sake of being devious.

But whatever, he’s here. And now that I know what to do, I might as well get on with it.

I look up at them…

… and I nod my head.

“Yes. I’ll do it.”

He throws his head back and lets out a psychotic laugh. He then claps his hands and says, “Well done. Well done. I knew you’d be sensible.”

I remain silent. I really don’t have anything else to say. What I needed to let out, I’ve let out.

If he wants me to kill Celestina and Lawrencia in exchange for my freedom, I’ll do it.

Dear oh dear. Pastor Esdras, what are you doing?