Yeah, I know what most of you are thinking by now.

“Pastor Esdras, how can you do this? Pastor Esdras, don’t you know this is wrong? Pastor Esdras, you just said you’d never do anything evil to your daughters in the Lord, why are you switching now? Pastor Esdras, why won’t you soldier on, how can you give up like this? Pastor Esdras, how can you be this selfish?”

Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada, yada.

Listen, I’m about to ask you these questions. And answer them honestly. I’m serious.

Have you ever been stuck in a dungeon that’s virtually smaller than an elevator for more than a day, much less a week? Have you ever had to put up with being locked up in a room with no light whatsoever? Have you ever been in a place where you can’t urinate or visit the loo as freely as you’d usually do? Have you found yourself in a small space like this with nothing but a bucket full of excreta and rotting straw as company?

Have you ever had to live with the knowledge that two well-built men will rush into your cage at random times just to kick you and punch you in the head and yell obscenities at you for believing in an ‘unseen, imaginary entity in the skies’, and there’s absolutely nothing you can do about it?

Yeah, you probably said no to all those questions. Of course you would. I bet most of you would be horrified at the mere thought of having to sit next to the bucket I’ve had to sleep next to for months!

So, since you’ve not been in my shoes, you have no right to judge me. None at all, all right? Don’t you dare take the moral high ground with me!

You have no idea what a struggle it’s been, having to put up with these conditions for this period of time. I know most of you judging me would wilt and just die if you were in my shoes, so don’t even go there.

Besides, let’s talk facts, okay?

Here’s the reality: I am not recanting my faith. I was not asked to do that. I remain a solid believer in the Lord Jesus Christ, and nothing is gonna change that. Absolutely nothing. What I’ve been told to do is to carry out an action, and get my freedom in exchange. In case you wanna start comparing me with the saints of old, do your homework first. Go read Foxe’s Book of Martyrs. None of them were asked to do what I’ve been told to do. They were told to reproach Christ in exchange for their freedom, and they refused to do so.

I’d do the same if that was the offer I was given. Obviously.

I mean, there’s a reason why the words of Polycarp have been stuck in my head. His story is one of my favourites from Foxe’s Book of Martyrs, to be honest. When he was captured and put before the proconsul and sentenced to death, he was given a chance to recant.

His response?

Eighty and six years have I served him, and he never once wronged me; how then shall I blaspheme my King, Who hath saved me?

An iconic way to refuse to recant one’s faith. Simply iconic.

And I had it ready and stored up in my heart for when they came to force me to do that. I’d tell them plainly. “Forty and two years have I served Jesus Christ, the Lover of my soul. Not once has he wronged me, how then shall I blaspheme my King who has saved me from death?”

But they didn’t. So we just have to work with this route.

And yes, here’s another fact. If we’re going to be very honest with ourselves, I’m actually doing my girls a favour by agreeing to this.

Yes, I am! Don’t be shocked, I’m telling you the truth.

Listen, I know those girls. And one thing I can be assured of is the fact that they will rather take a dozen bullets than deny Jesus. Remember what I told you at the beginning of this; those girls were unfazed by the dangers I pointed out to them. They said it as bluntly as could be that to live is Christ and to die is gain. They will choose death before denying Jesus because they love Him so dearly.

So if I take them out, where are they headed to?

Heaven, of course.

They will see Jesus, dwell with Him, and be happy forever more.

See? I’m doing them a favour. It’s a win-win at the end of the day. I take them out and they go to be with Jesus, and I get my freedom and can go back to doing God’s work.

Ohhhh, but Pastor Esdras, how can you go back to doing God’s work when you literally sacrificed two human beings for your freedom? Don’t you have any shame? Do you think God will be pleased with you?

Yeah, I can hear you screaming all that at me right now.

Please, remember this. We serve a merciful God. A God that is so merciful, He forgives the greatest of sinners.

You know that, don’t you? There’s a perfect example of that: the apostle Paul.

What didn’t the great apostle Paul do in his days as Saul? He was a terrible persecutor in the days of the early church, remember? Wasn’t he forgiven? If he was shown mercy by Elohim after overseeing and approving so many deaths of believers, then what about me, who’s gonna oversee just two?

Please, spare me the drama. I just need to wholeheartedly repent when I’m freed. That’s all.

So yeah, once I let the head prison guard know I’m ready to do it, he then told the other guards to inform the soldiers outside the prison walls to get ready, that an execution of some two prisoners will be taking place in the next two days, and another prisoner is to be freed immediately afterward. So, there you go, we’re on track.

Two days more.

Of course, I have no access to a clock here. Judging by the small hole way up there in the roof, I’m sure it’s almost evening now. So another day and night must pass before the day comes.

The day of freedom.

Freedom for me and freedom for Lawrencia and Celestina.

Hey, at least they’ll be free of this world and all its troubles. As I said, I’m doing them a favour.

You don’t agree with me? Well, tough luck. It’s not like you wouldn’t do anything different, so whatever.

It’s happening either way. By the grace of God.

Hmmm. He’s really hardening his heart, isn’t he? With the way he’s seeking to justify his actions and whatnot…