The shame! The overwhelming shame!

Shame. That’s the only emotion my heart was filled with when I woke up this Saturday morning.

I had fallen into it. That despicable web of cheating.

And it wasn’t like that kiss last night was me wading into the waters of infidelity. Oh no. As I wept throughout the night, it hit me hard that I was already shoulder deep in these waters; the kiss was just the final stage.

And it broke me. Completely.

This was something I had constantly shown strong disapproval of. I had ended friendships with guys who championed the cause of marital infidelity. I had sworn to myself that I would never let myself get there.

Yet there I was, lying on my bed, feeling like an absolute disappointment for letting another girl into the space meant for my wife and my wife alone.

You pathetic man! Look at you! You’re a shameless cheat! How can you have a wife as amazing as Eleanor and cheat on her with this one? Didn’t you see the signs? Are you that stupid?

Wolf Number 2, after constantly telling me there was nothing to get worked up over, was now viciously condemning me. Chale… the devil really is a bully.

The only thing I could be grateful for was the fact that we didn’t end up making love. Thank God my Ellie came to mind when Marilyn started doing what she did, else I’d have gone all the way with her.

Nonetheless, the fact remained that I cheated on the most incredible woman in the world, and I felt low.

Lower than the dust of the earth.

***

I trudged into the restaurant at about 9:30 am, the guilt still weighing heavy on my shoulders. Not too many people were in the restaurant; guests usually came in early to ensure they get the best of the buffet.

That, obviously, was the last thing on my mind. I just needed to fill my belly with some food. And trust me, it had taken me a while to convince myself to eat; I just wanted to punish myself real hard for having the audacity to cheat on a babe like my Ellie.

Serving myself with what was left at the buffet, I turned to find myself a place to sit.

And at the far left end of the restaurant, seated by herself, quietly focused on her food, guess who I saw?

No rewards for answering, we all know it was Marilyn.

The last person I wanted to see at that moment.

As if on cue, her eyes lifted and met mine.

Awkwardness galore.

She immediately looked away and returned her focus back to her food.

I was ready to sit somewhere else and pretend like she didn’t exist. But then, Wolf number 1 spoke up.

Richie, you need to go and clarify things with her. It’s time to set the record straight with her. You’ve been leading her on long enough when you should have set proper boundaries with her, you need to apologize and straighten things out once and for all!

I sighed. He was right. I had massively failed to do what a responsibly married man ought to have done, and that had most likely given her the confidence to get so comfy with me. I was terribly guilty of letting her feelings for me grow. I needed to apologize.

So I quietly moved to her table. “Um, can I sit?” I asked solemnly.

She gave a little nod of the head, her focus on her plate.

I duly took my seat and took a few bites as she continued to busily wolf down her food.

I then placed my fork on my plate and cleared my throat. “Ummm…” I began.

She looked at me, her facial expression cold and unhappy.

The first time I had seen her in a sour mood since we first spoke.

I swallowed hard, then began. “Look, Marilyn, I’m sorry for what happened last night. I know the way it happened was… offensive, and I know the way I walked out on you was hurtful. I’m really sorry. It’s just… it’s just that it wasn’t right.

“Listen, I know we’ve gotten really close in the past couple of days, and… yeah, I’ll admit it, I caught feelings for you. And I know you have feelings for me too. Marilyn, I can’t deny it, you’re such a beautiful woman, and I really think you’re special. I know without a doubt that you deserve someone who will treasure you with everything in him and place no one else above you. You really do. Because the truth is… it can’t be me. There’s already someone else who occupies that throne.

“Listen, I made a vow to choose Ellie every day for the rest of my life, and I’m not ready to back away from that. I love her, Marilyn. I love her so much, and honestly, it kills me to think that I’ve been this unfaithful to her. Even if she never knows, it hurts me to know that I did this. So look, once again, I’m really sorry. I’ve led you on and it’s so wrong of me. It really is, and I pray you forgive me, because a girl like you deserves way better. But the fact of the matter is that we can’t go this route. We just can’t. At the very most, we can be friends or something. But… as lovers? I’m sorry, but I can’t. My allegiance is to my wife.”

As I sat back, I knew I was just adding the ‘friends’ bit for the sake of it. It was just political talk.

Marilyn, who had quietly watched me as I spoke, simply drank her juice and picked up the last sausage on her plate, slowly eating it while maintaining her gaze on me.

My skin started to crawl uncomfortably. What’s she thinking?

Finishing off the last bit of the sausage, she sat back and closed her eyes for a moment. Then she opened them, her gaze back on me.

“Richie, you don’t get it, do you? I’m in love with you. Madly in love with you. I know this coz there’s something I feel when I’m with you that I’ve never in my lifetime felt with anybody else. This joy that I feel when we speak, the happiness I feel when we laugh over something funny. It’s like nothing I’ve ever felt before. You make me happy, Richie, and I know what I want; I wanna be with you. And honestly, I don’t care if you have a wife. All I know is that I’ve found something special in you, and there’s no way I can just let it go. I can’t.”

Tears began to roll down her cheeks as her voice cracked. Either she was a pro at faking emotion or she meant every single word that came out of her mouth.

“And no, I can never see you as just a friend. I don’t want you as a friend. That’s just impossible at this point. I’m either in your life as your lover or I’m not in your life at all. We’ve come too far at this stage to just be friends. So look, if I’m gonna stick around in your life, then understand that it’s for love and not friendship. And if it’s your wife you wanna choose over me, understand that I’ll walk away, you’ll never ever see me again, and I’m gonna delete this part of my life and act like we never met.”

She sniffed as she wiped her tears and leaned back. “Your choice, Richie. Your choice. I just hope you make the right one.”

I knew what she was calling the right choice.

I can’t deny, though, I was deeply moved by her actions. It looked like Marilyn was not joking; she had really fallen head over heels in love with me. And within the past couple of days, I realized she wasn’t the kind of girl who let tears out that easily, and it felt awful knowing I was the cause of those tears.

Man, how I wished I could do something to wipe them away! I had done her wrong, and I wished I could make it right.

But I couldn’t. In fact, I had to be the cause of more tears.

She made her stance very clear: she wanted me, regardless of my marital position. She was pretty unequivocal about it, and that was not an option I would take. After the previous night, I knew it was Ellie or death. Nobody else.

If her tears will put a smile on Ellie’s face, then so be it.

I sat back and shook my head. “I’m sorry, Marilyn. I can’t do this with you. It’s Ellie I choose.”

Marilyn looked astounded. Almost like she didn’t expect that response.

She shook her head as a fresh batch of tears appeared in her eyes. “Richie, are you serious? After all we’ve been through this week? After the beautiful chemistry we shared? You wanna just throw all this to the dogs and act like it never happened? Really, Richie? Really?”

I shut my eyes. I should’ve known she wouldn’t go down without a fight, and that she’d use those tactics to bend me to her will.

But nope, no more caving in. I had been caving in and bowing to her desires long enough. It was time for it to end.

I shook my head. “I’m sorry, Marilyn. I choose my Ellie. End of story.”

She looked at me, shaking her head as her eyes pleaded with me to change my mind.

If those pupils could speak, I would’ve heard them screaming at me: Don’t do this, Richie! I love you! I need you! I can’t live without you! Don’t toss me out of your life just like that, I’m begging you, please!

I turned my eyes away and shook my head. No turning back on this one; she wasn’t gonna win this.

“I’m sorry, Marilyn. It’s Ellie over you. Period.”

She sucked her breath in sharply, wiped the tears off her face, and nodded. She sniffed, then quickly drank the last bit of orange juice in her glass. Wiping her face again, she then stood to her feet, without so much as a glance at me, and walked away.

I watched as she left the restaurant.

I bowed my head sadly.

That last statement? Pretty harsh.

But was it necessary? Extremely.

As I had said to myself, if her tears brought a smile to the face of my wife, so be it. No more accommodating this foolishness.

It was over.

Well, he’s now done what he should have done days ago. Better late than never, I guess…